Walls
by Aenigma
Summary: 1st-person narrative about Squall on the night of the SeeD graduation ball...his thoughts, concerns, and feelings (YES! He had feelings, even then!) Rated PG-13 for some language.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, nor do I pretend to (except in my, uh, less-than-totally-pure dreams about Rinoa)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, nor do I pretend to (except in my, uh, less-than-totally-pure dreams about Rinoa). So please, don't sue me.

About this story: as I'm sure you've read already, it takes place the night of the SeeD graduation ball. I've seen a lot of fics that deal with Squall at this time, but many/most of them seem to end up being Qualls. In the immortal words of 'The Man' himself, "...whatever." This isn't a Squinoa, or a Quall, or anything like that; it's just a more in-depth account of that night as seen through Squall's eyes. Read on, if you're not offended or anything. Oh, and this is my first fanfic, so ::crosses his fingers:: wish me luck!

"Walls"

The first thing I realized upon entering my new room was that it didn't smell like dirty socks. Thank God--my old roommate had the personal hygiene of a chipmunk three days dead, and more often than not the stench of one as well. I took time to examine my new surroundings: clean, freshly-painted walls--_those are going to be a bitch to keep clean_--surrounding a quite spacious interior, complete with what seems to be...a decent bed? More decent than what I'd been sleeping on for the past few years, in any case.

I continued. Draped over the chair placed right next to my brand-new mahogany desk (_SeeDs get it better around here than I imagined_, I thought to myself) was my brand-new SeeD uniform. Hm. _A little dorky, but everyone else has to wear one. As long as I don't stand out, _I figured, _I should be fine._ I grunted a little trying to get it on--the pants were a little too tight around the waist. Guess I'll have to get it altered. I idly wondered whom I should see about it; I'd probably screw it up if I tried by myself, but I'd never seen any sort of tailor around the Garden. Maybe I could ask Xu or Instructor Trepe to help...?

I almost chuckled at the thought. Then I wondered why, exactly, I was going to this party.

_I suppose I have to at least show my face. It would be unbecoming of a new SeeD to skip out of the graduation ball. Besides, _I thought_, it's not like I have anything better to do. My gunblade's polished to perfection and it's too early to go to bed. _I paused for a moment. _Then again, going to the party would require interacting with the likes of that Dincht idiot--among too many others--when I could be browsing through the library or doing something even remotely intellectually engaging._

Arriving on queue to make up my mind for me, Selphie barged into my room.

"Hey!! I knew I'd find you here! Hurry up, silly, or you're going to miss the party!" _You think I hadn't thought of that, ditzbomb?_

Well, that was kind of unfair. Selphie wasn't a ditz, exactly; she just had way too much energy. I understood her well enough to know that there was an intelligent side to her--she just didn't like using it too often.

"Uhm...yeah. Well..."

"Well what? Come on!"

_Sigh_. Oh, well. _At least I didn't have to decide one way or the other_, I thought as Selphie dragged me out by the arm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Holy fucking God._

The ballroom was unimaginably ornate. The ceiling had several huge, shining crystal chandeliers; in the center lay a window showing off the marvelous Balamb nightscape. The walls were decorated with golden lumieres and full-length windows which had red satin curtains pulled to the side for an even more spectacular view. And then there was the music--heavenly wisps of string and woodwind swirling around the ballroom floor, overlooking and energizing the dancers as they spun round and round.

As for myself, I decided to let loose and drink some of the delectable champagne. I found a nice inconspicuous column to lean against, and started sipping.

_Some people seem to think that just 'cause I'm the shy, silent type that I don't have an appreciation for the finer things in life. They couldn't be more wron--_

"Hey Squall!!"

_Oh, damn it all!_ I thought, _I **had** to run into this pathetic hyperactive excuse for a--_

"I can't believe we're actually finally SeeDs!! Put 'er there, man!!" he exclaimed, sticking out his hand in the process.

For a moment, I was tempted to acknowledge his presence (and his accomplishment), but the moment quickly passed. _Like hell I'm going to let you ruin this drink and this music._

"Oh, I see...quiet as usual. Well, whatever. Catch you later, Squall!"

_Thank God he's gone_, I thought to myself. I thought I heard Selphie pestering him about helping her put on the Garden festival; of course he managed to evade her. I evidently wasn't quite as lucky, and she came up to me.

"Hey Squall, um, you know, the Garden festival is coming up soon, and, uh, I really need help, and so, I, ah, was wondering if--"

Even though she could be an annoying brat, I sorta liked Selphie. I mean, as much as I would like any insanely happy (yet somehow reasonably decent) person. So I decided to aid her. Sue me.

"You need my help? Hm. I'll think about it."

"Heh...thanks, Squall." She left rather unceremoniously. Whatever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Ahh...peace at last. No distractions, no disturbances, no psychotic Zells...good God, look at that shooting star! _It really was a sight. It seemed to puncture the night sky with its flashing tail--but then it was over almost before it began. Kinda makes you want to go 'hm.'

My focus left the sky and returned to the dance floor. Where it accidentally met the eyes of a rather attractive girl who had similarly been watching the spectacle of nature. I groaned--but at least she'd probably realize I wasn't hitting on her. So maybe she'd leave me alone. _I have enough problems on my own right now, _I thought, _I really don't need anyone else's._ She smiled and pointed one finger at the sky; was she referring to the meteor or asking me to a single dance? _Uh-oh, here she comes. Guess it was both_.

"You're the best-looking guy here." 

Right. Including the hideous scar that idiot gave me two days ago. Sarcasm? _No, it seems like she actually thinks I'm attractive _(_hah!_). Hyperbole, then; I don't consider my looks anything remotely above average.

"Dance with me?"

_Ah, of course. The innocent, no-pressure request to idly spend my time with you. Sorry...you may be pretty, but you're not _THAT _pretty. _A lie, when I thought about it some: she really was. _But that doesn't change anything--I'd still rather sit back and watch. Maybe if I ignore her she'll go away(?)_

"Ohh...I see. You'll only dance with someone you like."

_Hah...I suppose you could say that. I wouldn't "like" anyone, nor would I dance with anyone, so the end result is the same._

"You're-going-to-like-me...you're-going-to-like-me..." she said while wiggling her delicate fingers around my face, as if she were casting a spell. _A love spell? Does that make you a witch? Or--hah--a Sorceress?_

But despite my best efforts at apathy, I found this young lady strangely...enchanting? Her almost-too-skimpy ivory dress glowed yellow in the light of the ballroom; light reflected through the chandeliers bounced off of her simple yet elegant silver wristband. _Get a hold of yourself, Squall_, I thought with a slight shake of my head, _she's just a girl. G-I-R-L. You know, the kind with dresses and long hair? Grow up._

"I can't dance..." Another lie. Numerous courses in ballroom dancing is a graduation requirement. SeeDs are often sent on partially diplomatic missions, after all.

"I don't care. Come on!" She grabbed me by the hand--_what is it with women tonight??_--and led me onto the floor. To save at least a little face I pretended not to know how to dance. I laughed inwardly as she 'taught' me--then caught myself. _Why are you letting this bimbo affect you? She's just another random person, and you'll never see her again. Snap out of it._

Reluctantly, I began to dance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dance was glorious. The music cascaded around the room, and we moved in perfect unison with it. I was surprised--she moved with a natural grace that didn't click with her earlier spunk. The dancing was so smooth that I didn't even really feel her there; she just followed my lead exactly. _Hm. Okay, so not just a bimbo. An elegant bimbo._

The music swirled and swelled, and we spun around and around, following its example. The walls seemed to blend with the other things in the background--new SeeDs, their dates, the band, the windows--and the gorgeous view of the stars they offered. Near the climax of the piece, she moved us into a 'hold'-preparatory position. _An elegant bimbo who really knows how to dance. _As the final notes sounded, she spun right into me, ending the dance and the maneuver. Perfectly.

The lights suddenly went dim, and I looked up. _Fireworks_. _Fireworks are just colored explosives that would see better use battering down the walls a fortification._ Heh. _But they do look kinda nice... _My attention returned to the admittedly enchanting (_enchanting BIMBO! _my mind screamed at me) girl in my arms. Seemed she had been watching the fireworks, too.

I don't know what got into me then. Part of me that I'd never really seen before had a sudden, almost irresistable urge to bend down and kiss this beautiful (temporary) intrusion in my life. The rest of me decided to kick the crap out of that part, a decision I was more than comfortable with. Until...

_Wait, don't go!_

She left, giving me a smile and half a wave as she hurriedly left the dance floor. _Serves you right for getting involved. Even a little bit. Serves you right for trusting people. People suck. People let you think they'll be there for you, that they're going to help you when you're lonely and sad and depressed...and then they leave you to fend for yourself. Better to just not believe the lie at all--to be independent from the get-go. Then when the shit hits the fan, it's not like it'll affect you._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My face drew into a scowl. _Fine, bimbo bitch. _Part of me--the same part that had wanted to kiss her?--wanted to kick the crap out of the rest of me for thinking that about a perfectly nice young lady who obviously was in a rush to go somewhere.

The rest of me didn't spare a moment in beating the living hell out of that little part of me.

The room suddenly felt uncomfortably warm. That and my current glowering expression would probably invite a few "is there a problem, Squall?"'s if I remained--something I didn't want to deal with at all. So I left the ballroom to collect my thoughts on the balcony, retreating from the floor.

_Ah..._, I thought, _the breeze feels really good. _Good enough to maybe go back in there? _Are you out of your mind?_

Oh, **this** is wonderful... here comes the Instructor. What does she want from me? Hah, maybe she'll offer to alter my uniform. But seriously...I completed all of her stupid tests...

"...Hey, Squall..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Uh...hey." _What is this about?_

"The sky looks pretty tonight." She was right, but I wasn't about to entertain her.

"..."

"Well...I, Instructor Quistis Trepe, have a final order to you!" _...what the hell is she talking about?_

"...you are to travel with me to the _secret area_" _Secret area? Huh?_

"What's the secret area?"

She laughed. "Come on, Squall...it's where all the students meet late at night, after curfew. Meet me in front of the training center. I'll be waiting."

..._Whatever._ She was my instructor, and I couldn't very well disobey a direct order. Muttering half an expletive under my breath, I made my way to the dorm to get changed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

True to her word, she was waiting in the hallway leading into the training center.

"Come on, let's go."

I grunted, and followed. We made our way through the training center, finally reaching the (_evidently not-so_) secret area. My vision fell upon what seemed to be a seriously injured person. No...two people. Moaning. _Holy...are they actually...? No...thank God...ugh. Can't they do that somewhere else?_ I suddenly made a frightening connection. _Does Instructor Trepe want us to..._

"Well, here we are." _Pointless observation._

"..."

"It's almost midnight." _Okay...and this means what to me?_

Her head drooped down. "You know, Squall, they said..."

_Blah blah blah._ Quistis' problems. Oh, your instructor's license was revoked? _That's_ why you brought me out here? _Well at least she didn't want to make out._ _Not that this is much better...hearing her yammer endlessly about what a poor, miserable life she's living. Look, I'm really sorry, but I have my own problems to deal with, OK? _

Like that girl from earlier?

_SHUT UP!!! Nobody asked you, idiot!_

I then stopped and realized I was arguing with myself. _You stupid, sentimental moron. _As I heard Quistis droning on about this and that, I felt kind of guilty, seeing as I was being completely self absorbed while my normally-reserved instructor was gushing her heart out. Besides, she was getting pissed.

"Squall? Squall! Are you even listening??"

"Yeah..._sorta..._ but what can I say? You have problems...I'm sorry."

"It's not just that...don't you get it at all?! Haven't you ever wanted someone to share your feelings with?"

_In a word, no. Well, maybe. But the difference is that I never needed one._ Then what about before? With Sis? _Sis was different. And besides, she left. Once she was gone, I learned my lesson. I never needed anyone ever again._ _Not even you, Miss Trepe, however that might break your heart. Sorry._

"If all you want is someone to talk to, why don't you go talk to a wall?" She seemed visibly affected by that.

"Because...because...dammit, Squall. Don't you feel _anything? _It's like you have these huge walls surrounding any sort of emotion..."

I shrugged. "Maybe. But it's my problem, not yours. Everyone has to take care of himself...things are easier that way."

"...I'm sorry, Squall. I thought you cared about people other than yourself." _It's not that I don't care...but what good is caring when they're all gonna leave you in the end? Just like that ditz from the dance. You should never trust people._

"I do care. You just wouldn't understand."

"Would you explain?"

"...You wouldn't understand." 

"Why don't you try? Maybe I would understand..." Apparently she thought this conversation was going somewhere.

"...Whatever. I'm leaving. Sorry if you were expecting more."

I turned around and started walking. I thought I heard her crying quietly, so I turned around again...but she was just walking towards me. _Guess not..._

She spoke softly: "Let's go."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A brief fight with a particularly nasty monster and another brush in with that girl from the infirmary (_I wonder who she is..._) later, I found myself lying, exhausted, on my bed. _Quick recap: I've captured Ifrit, invaded Dollet, narrowly escaped a gruesome death at the hands of a nearly-indestructible robot, become a SeeD, danced with a perfect stranger who's oddly managed to stay in my thoughts for more than .2 seconds, and had a late-night sob session (_well, one of us was sobbing)_ with my dear Instructor. I'm bushed._

The world around me faded as I tried to drift off to sleep...but visions of that hauntingly beautiful girl in the white dress started to torment me. And what was that Quistis had accused me of? Some garbage about emotional walls?

_The reason I have your 'walls' is to protect myself from people, _I thought. _People who pretend to care, or maybe really do, then just ditch you at the first opportunity. Like that girl._

But why are you making such a big deal out of this? It was just a dance. Don't be such a sod...just let it go. _Get some sleep._

Tired, and unwilling to fight against myself any more, I decided to listen to the voice of reason. So I slept.

--Fin

Author's Note: ICK!! Gah, that was longer than I meant it to be. It was *supposed* to just be a little vignette about Squall from his POV...but I guess it kinda grew. The inspiration for this came when I stumbled across a few really crappy fics that totally had Squall out of character. I mean, either gushing romantic or (completely and utterly) heartless asshole. I think either extreme fails to completely capture him--despite what some people seem to think, he's really a very complex character.

So, anyway, yeah. These are my thoughts on what Squall was thinking on that night. Any votes of confidence (or complete disagreements, or even flames if you feel like it) are more than welcome at Rask0lnik@aol.com Heh, but if you flame me, please keep in mind this is my first fic. Adios!


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